It’s a constant struggle, and maybe as a parent in general, but as a special needs parent for sure.  I have had many conversations in the last while with my blogging/special needs parent friends about wishing we could just lay it out… stop being inspiring and insightful, stop being positive, stop being happy and “okay” with the lives we’ve been dealt. 

After this blog, I’m gonna go for it! I’m gonna tell you…. it SUCKS!!! I don’t mean all the time, but more often than we let on.  I am SO AFRAID! 

I’m afraid that I’ll never get these guys toilet trained.  

I’m afraid that they’ll never be able to have conversations that other people will understand.

I’m afraid that they’ll grow out of being cute, and be nuisances.  I’m afraid that people will think they’re nuisances!

I’m afraid they’ll never be independent enough to live away from us.  I’m afraid that we’ll not be able to care for them forever.

I’m afraid that I’ll lose more friends.  I’m afraid that I’ll get less  invites to things (family and personal).

The list goes on and on.

I’m afraid I’ll become bitter….

I love the sentiment, and I seriously don’t want to offend anyone in any way… but it HURTS when people say God chose us to be their parents. WHY?!?! Why us?!? 

I grieve about all the things my guys can’t do.  I get jealous about what other kids their age are doing.  I am blind (and choose to be) to what their peers are learning in school while my guys are learning colours and letters…

I WANT to be positive and happy and inspiring and insightful.  I have taken on this role the best way I can.  I have become a strong advocate, I have educated, I have learned!  But I just can’t be that person all the time.  

And I want to tell other parents IT IS OKAY.  Yes, embrace the role that you’ve been thrown into whether you like it or not, but don’t feel bad when you want to scream.  Scream. Be sad. Be angry. YOU ARE ALLOWED.